


If I Could Tell Him

by ktcomet



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, Song: If I Could Tell Her (Dear Evan Hansen), Songfic, Sort Of, very very minor though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:20:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25296805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ktcomet/pseuds/ktcomet
Summary: Evan has been noticing Connor from afar, but he wants to keep that hidden.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 92





	If I Could Tell Him

**Author's Note:**

> i might add to this at some stage it feels like it could do with a conclusion

“She... She thinks you’re r-really cool.”

“My sister? You’ve got to be kidding me, Hansen. That girl despises my mere existence.”

Evan’s eyes flitted around the room nervously, unsure of what else to say. Zoe had left Evan behind in her house almost five minutes ago now, and that was already seeming to be too much time (despite her saying she could be out for up to an hour).

They didn’t have enough food for lunch, and Evan found supermarkets much too stressful to accompany Zoe, so she’d left him in their living room whilst she went out to stock up.

Little did Evan know that Connor Murphy would appear at the door almost immediately after Zoe left, rambling self-deprecating comments under his breath and assuring himself - and subsequently Evan - that his entire family hated him.

“R-Really! She, um, she talks about you loads. Doesn’t sh-shut up about you actually!” he quickly blurted out, digging himself into a deeper and deeper hole. See, aside from the whole social anxiety thing, Evan Hansen was also harbouring an ever-growing crush on one particular Connor Murphy. He’d had very few interactions with the boy since knowing him, but the small glances across the hallway and across classrooms were enough for Evan to know he was attracted to him.

“Does she now?” Connor replied, one eyebrow raised slightly.

“Yeah! T-Totally,” Evan spluttered back, his nerves growing steadily as the conversation progressed.

“Well then,” Connor smirked, crossing his arms across his chest and leaning his shoulder on the doorframe, “if she talks about me so much, then you must know everything there is to know about me. Right?”

Damnit. He hadn’t thought this far ahead. He always forgets the repercussions. Evan felt the blush rise up his neck to rest onto his cheeks as he attempted to think up an acceptable response. He could hear his heart beating in his ears and his brain felt much too scrambled to even attempt a reply.

“What is it, Hansen? Cat got your tongue?”

Again, Evan felt stuck and unable to even react to the words Connor was saying to him. Despite this, he began to open his mouth anyway but then quickly shut it again, remembering he had nothing of value to say.

Connor chuckled darkly, sadly to himself, “Don’t even bother, I haven’t heard her say a good word about me since we were infants.” “No point in trying to lie. I know full well what my family thinks of me, and that includes my sister.” He then started to turn away, before he was interrupted by a quiet shout from the boy behind him.

“No!”

Connor stopped, slowly turning himself back around, “No? No, what?” he retorted, almost condescendingly.

“N-No... I wasn’t lying,” he murmured. “I, um, she uh- She talks about you a lot. But, like, she brings it up! Obviously. Because why would I bring you up? That would be completely crazy, so I don’t even know why I-“

“Don’t joke around here, Hansen,” Connor interrupted in an almost growl, “If she actually cared she’d at least make an attempt to try and tell me.”

Evan spluttered back, “She has tried! She wishes you were closer - she says it all the time! It’s... It’s just hard t-to reach you sometimes.” He felt his lie getting harder and harder to retract the more he added to it, but he just couldn’t stop himself. He could feel himself projecting his own feelings towards Connor as though they were Zoe’s.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Connor seethed, his arms straightening out and his hands scrunching up by his sides.

Evan shrunk back into himself as Connor approached, stuttering out the words he wanted to say, “She, uh, she a-always says that she, she tries to speak to y-you but you just feel so far away.”

Connor’s earlier anger began to dissipate slightly as Evan spoke, his eyes widening somewhat and his features softening.

“S-So like, this one - this one time, she said that, um. Well, you do this thing sometimes when you draw and - y-you probably don’t even know you do this. But you concentrate really, really hard and you can tell because you squint your eyes slightly and your head tilts to the side and your tongue sticks out your mouth a bit and, and-“ Evan quickly realised he was rambling and stopped himself to take a breath. “Or-or, like, that’s what Zoe t-told me, um- I’ll stop now, I’m sorry.”

Evan glanced upwards to see Connor’s eyes wide open, listening intently to each word coming from the boy’s mouth. Once Evan had looked up though, Connor snapped out of his trance-like state and spoke, “She said that? About me? You’re sure she wasn’t talking about someone else?”

“D-definitley. Positive! I’ve, um, I’ve never been more sure of anything ever actually. So-“

“Um, well,” Connor coughed awkwardly, “That’s great and all that she’s confided in you or whatever, but she’s never tried to even hint at anything like that to me. You’d think if she actually cared at all that she would console me when I have an episode or maybe let me know that I wasn’t completely alone all the time.”

“Y-You’re never alone!” Evan exclaimed, a bit louder than he’d intended. He coughed awkwardly in an attempt to cover it up, “I mean, like, um. You’re - You’re not. Uh, I know that i-it can feel like it sometimes and it feels like no one cares and that no one notices and that... S-Sorry, rambling again, you don’t want to hear that. I’ll just sto-“

“No.” Connor replied softly, “No, carry on.”

“I-I don’t know if, if that’s r-really the best idea, I mean,”

“Evan.” Connor interrupted him, his voice harsher than before but still much more fragile and exposed than Evan had ever heard it before. “Please.”

Evan stood in shock at Connors apparent, sudden desperation. He’d done it again, he’d dug himself too deep and given the boy false hope. If Evan was like any normal person, he would have come clean, admitted that he was lying and accepted the consequences that followed. But, he knew that he wasn’t. His brain instead supplied him with the fact that he technically wasn’t lying about someone caring about Connor, he was just stretching the truth slightly about who that person was.

“Sh-She wants to say lots of things t-to you. But she keeps it up in her head, or something, that’s what she told me, I think. A-and it’s just that sometimes the words they - they don’t come out quite right and then you just worry about it and keep thinking about it and it won’t sto-“

“Hey, Evan. Look at me,” Connor had his hand placed lightly on Evan’s shoulder, “Breathe a bit, idiot. You’re gonna hyperventilate in a minute.”

He reached his hand forward to hold onto Evan’s hand, but the boy immediately snatched both away from him. They were sweaty. Connor would judge him for having sweaty hands and he would tell the whole school and then the whole world and then he’d be known as the ‘sweaty hands kid’ forever, for the rest of his life, a-.

“Oh my god, are you even listening?” Connor grabbed onto his hand, not letting him pull away this time. “Breathe deeply or you’re not gonna get anywhere anytime quick.”

Evan tried to distract from his loop of overthinking before he began discussing Connor’s hand holding with himself, and instead chose to look up at the boy in front of him.

“There you go. At least there’s some common sense in you then,” Connor smiled, squeezing Evan’s hands. “Now, let’s stop talking about my sister, huh? Because clearly she’s not got anything to do with this internal monologue you’re having with yourself.”

“B-But she, she alw-ways sa-“

“No she didn’t, Hansen. I know my sister better than you think.” Connor smirked, “So, do you want to tell me who’s really been admiring me from afar and remembering my little ticks and fidgets so vividly?”


End file.
